While television executives fight and bicker over the ratings for their flagship morning news/entertainment programs, the people that really matter, the humble viewer, are left wondering why they don’t just scrap both programs and let us wake in peace.
Mornings are supposed to be sacred. It is that time of day when you are edgy and need a nice, slow and steady regime to wake up to. There are some of us who refuse to listen to morning radio. Don’t get me started! Breakfast radio has somehow become more and more loud and obnoxious, with lame hosts who act all upbeat while they flick through newspapers in search of that quirky, “comedy gold” story. “A German man who married six of his own horses only to find that 3 of them were already engaged” or a “Virginian woman who eats pet food through a straw”…they may be a humorous read in the newspaper, but simply reading it on radio and giggling about it with your co-hosts is pathetic. Not to mention lazy. What? Can’t come up with your own material? Not confident enough in your own ability to write your own gags? You know who you are. Quit talking and just play something smooth and easy so I can sip my coffee in relative peace.
If we want to know what is going on in the world, we are left with no other choice than to flick on the TV. What are we met with? A bunch of retarded morons who instead of easing us into a new day, make us cringe and squirm with their labored easy-going style and near christian-like “we love you, please love us back” manner.
On channel seven we have the Sunrise “family”…and boy what a family it is. Here’s a family you would leave home at age 4 to avoid. Mum and Dad are played by Mel and Kochie, two gruesome individuals who I truly believe were put on this earth as a sick joke by Satan himself to toy with my patience. Kochie, with his polished dome and his pinstriped suits tries to be fatherly to us all, but he’s the kind of Dad you pray doesn’t come pick you up from school in case he tries to talk to your friends. His endless preaching of the Aussie spirit and his “funny as a testicle crunch” sense of humor is all too much for this morning viewer. Thing is, I’d probably sit and listen to several hours of Kochie to avoid one single minute with his co-host Mellissa Doyle. Mel is the kind of personality derived dimwit that is specially made in a factory somewhere specifically to host dumb tv programs. She grins like a drug ladled poodle whilst guest after guest is thrown in front of her. Her journalistic integrity? Zero. Her thoughtful insights into matters of national interest? Zilch. Hell, I get the feeling even she doesn’t want to be there. She has that empty look on her face where it seems she’s elsewhere. Maybe thinking whether she left the iron on, or what accessory she should buy for her living room that will match the curtains.
As for the rest of the Sunrise “family” we have the desperately self-conscious newsreader Nat, who I think secretly wants to knock Mel off her perch, the goofy drip Mark Berretta who’s either laughing at all of Kochie’s jokes because it’s in his contract or he has a seedy man-crush on him and a couple of idiot weather people who don’t even deserve mention.
It’s all too weird, with an underlying hillsong vibe to it for me on channel 7, so flipping over to the rival channel 9 should bring at least some relief….
nope.
Karl Stefanovic. Has there ever been a more tragic figure on Australian television? I think not. Back at school we used to call guys of Karl’s ilk, “total dags”. He’s even daggier than most for the sheer fact that he seems completely unaware of just how “daggy” he is. That “help me I’m slowly thinning” hair-do that defies any wind gust thrown at it. The oh-so forced casual charm that comes off as near sleazy without meaning to. The satisfied face expressions that tell us how distinguished and “top of his game” he thinks he is as a journalist, all negates the fact that most viewers are laughing their arse’s off at him. I could go on about Karl, but at the end of the day, I kinda feel for the guy. He’s like that poor red headed freckled kid you used to tease in the playground who thought he was a hit with the girls. It’s hard disliking someone so unaware of themselves.
I’ve completely wasted all my energy. So much so that I have nothing left in the tank to start on Karl’s co-host, Lisa Wilkinson. Shame. Plenty to say about her. Maybe I’ll devote another post to this lot down the line. And what of the others like Richard Wilkins and Steven Jacobs? Or the campy entertainment reporters? Oh lord hep me! I’ll need to set aside two or three days to vent on those blockheads.
See you tomorrow with more venting.
